Queen Esther
Esther. Named after the queen. Known to her family as Essie, Esuseh.
Esuseh, Esuseh, who swallowed Syria whole and the day she left us the sky rained desert sand the earth smelled of cumin and rosewater and our tears tasted of olive oil.
Esuseh, Esuseh, pointing to your picture strangers deny my relation to you For I stand so pale in comparison to your olive stained hue Because you Esuseh you swallowed Syria whole while I, I- was granted mere licks of her tamarind belly.
Oh, Esuseh, Esuseh, so cheated I was
to know you the least of everyone
I youngest niece, clasped your hand on bodega stuffed streets where people spoke to us in languages we do not speak.
Because they do not know us
The Sephardim, Arab Jews, Mizrahi Jews, Spanish Jews The Unknown Jews- who baked on the lands of Morocco, Turkey, Greece, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, and Syria Curling ancient tongues on hot Damascus sands Grapeleaves melting in our pockets, clutching hamsas in our superstitious hands.
I hear stories of you Esuseh
of your narrow feet, wide humor, dancer dreams, sullen moods Of your thick hair you compulsively straightened and hated.
Wishing for "American hair" that blew in the wind Wishing For a smooth ponytail that swung from side to side Wishing for hair that was fine Hair that was fine.
Hair that looked …like mine.
Oh Esuseh, if you could only be here to see how all textures of hair are now reveling in their natural style!
You were so close, one day you set the iron on low and let tresses run wild!
But the real irony was that just when you began to love it, you began to lose it To chemotherapy, cruel and brash, clumps lay at your bedside, exotic scarves hid your losses, as we collected your locks to show unborn grandchildren.
Oh, Esuseh, Esuseh, you left too soon for me to tell you my secret, That I stand in front of mirrors with sharp scissors close to my skull, Ready to massacre American hair that is parched for my olive oil.
Ready to massacre blowing locks that may have caused any woman turmoil, Ready to massacre swinging ponytails in honor of your name.
For this fine hair has done nothing, but remind me of precious, wasted days you could of smiled, Esuseh.
Beautiful Esuseh,
who swallowed Syria whole
and left me starving
I- Displaced parched, desert girl, blindly tracing home on Atlases that Lie Wildly spinning globes to feel only the billowing wind -of your too fast exit from my eye.
And too bad if they can't see the relation- cause I think I look just like you Cause I'm riding camels bareback on Bedouin trails beside you Cause my heart beats fast when I hear Habibi tunes and dance with you And sometimes I awake choking from all the sand castles in my bed Then giggle to know you are throwing magical grains from that crown upon your head I'm Sweating Zatar and allspice, that only my lovers taste on barefoot, sultry nights I'm shredding birth certificates; one taste of my hot blood will suffice And look closely people; see my fine hair is gnarled in stubborn conviction and my eyes are tearing with sharp memories of evil cancers afflictions So hear me Esuseh!
with each passing year, I sunbathe in our rich history to internally bronze myself, a rock statue for my ancestry See my hamsa forever on my chest for the utmost protection See, my blood and my memories not defined by complexion I - displaced, parched, desert girl paying homage to the Daughter, Sister, Mother, Aunt, and never met Grandmother: Esuseh.
Esuseh, Esuseh,
who swallowed Syria whole
And the day she left us
The sky rained desert sand
the earth smelled of cumin and rosewater and our tears still taste of olive oil.
enabahebek Esuseh.
