PHD in Him

If I counted up all the hours I’ve studied,
Read,
Focused on,
Cried over,
Cried over,
Gotten up and been resilient about,
Not given up on,
Believed in,
Loved,
Hated,
Believed in,
So believed in,
Ignored my friends advice about,
Talked about
Talked about,
Did I mention talked about?

I’d have a PHD in him.

By now, I could have had a PHD in Philosophy
Internal Medicine
Middle Eastern Studies
Stem cell research
BUT NO...
I have a PHD in him.

Funny how he brings me no income,
No pension
No future
No future
Did I mention no future???

Funny how he brings me no Roth IRA funds
No medical plan including dental
No sense of security
No sense of security
Funny how he became my career.

And so don’t ask me what I did this year...
I didn’t write any plays or any books.
I didn’t do some responsible shit like pursue a "back up career,"
I was fully employed in the fury of him.

The fury
The passion
Clocking in 80-hour weeks,
Graduated Valedictorian at the tippy top of my class
Magna cum fuckin laude and a waste of fuckin time!

Hours upon hours spent figuring out his equations
Riddles
Word problems
Crossword puzzle treatment
Cracking his codes
Philosophizing his constitution over Grand Marnier
Wine
Vodka
Vodka

Oh... did I mention vodka?

By now I could have been a brain surgeon
A novelist
Could of fed undernourished children
Fought terrorism
Volunteered at soup kitchens,

Fuck that- BUILT soup kitchens!

But instead, I have a PHD in him.
Wasted hours in the library of man.

So, quiz me.
I know him better than he knows himself.
I’m that Matriculated, doctorate hoe,
Paid full tuition at “It’s All About Him University”
Ladies Have you visited?
See they pat you down at the gates for self-esteem,
And your course syllabus is a well-crafted list of cockamamie lies,

Study hard bitches.
You’ve got a paper due Monday morning titled
“My Man wants to be treated like a Man, but won’t act like one.”

Who’s hiring?
Any other fools wanna sit in my lecture hall?
See now I’m licensed to teach, and preach
Sparing my pride in hopes some other women might read my dissertation,
See I have a PHD in him, and my transcript is rolling off my wicked tongue.
Not sure of how my most difficult degree might serve me,
But think one day I’ll thank him
For reminding me how fierce a pupil of life
I really am.